Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
