I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
