if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
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The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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