she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Randomize
