So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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