I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
