and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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