Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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