i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
