so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
