I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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