**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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