I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
