I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
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fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
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Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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