My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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