I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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