im drinking this country out of the recession.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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