This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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