That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
