I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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