I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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