Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
