thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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