if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
