Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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