Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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