I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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