oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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