rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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