if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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