I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
