i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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