There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
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She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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