Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
