The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
