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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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