bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
