oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
