He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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