I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
