My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
