today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
