I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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