I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
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I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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