i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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