I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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