barbara walters just said penis...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
