I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she smelled like a LAN party
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
