can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
