What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.