Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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