I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
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i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
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You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?