Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.