His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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