he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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