I wish my penis had an off switch
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
