My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
