Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
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Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
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We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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