Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
