Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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